wishing2lose

Here  I am again; standing on the edge of a weight loss journey ready to jump off. I am not new to this place; I’ve been here several times before. Yet, strangely, I feel fear. Why is it that the thought of having to lose 88 pounds causes my to be so afraid? Afraid that I can’t do it, afraid that it wont last, just plain afraid.

How did I get back here? I previously lost over 40 pounds on the divorce & depression diet.And was really happy with myself for the first time in a long time. I have since gained all 40 pounds back and then some. Now I am miserable and disgusted with myself. To top it all off my doctor wants me to lose at least 80 pounds. I was diagnosed with tachycardia, after several tests he told me my heart was in poor condition and I am only 41 years old. I can’t climb a flight of steps without being breathless. When my hubby and I went to Scotland I couldn’t walk uphill without feeling dizzy. It was awful.

Last night, for the first time in our five years together, my husband made a comment about my weight. He did so in a very supportive and concerned manner. Yet, it really, really bothered me. I realized that perhaps I am not the only one that is miserable with this excess weight. I went into the bathroom, closed the door, stripped off and took a good, hard look at myself. NOT HAPPY with what I saw. I then stepped on the scales and realized I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. Over 225 pounds; not good when you are only 5′2″ tall.

So today I find myself planning, goal making, doing all the math on how if I lose only 2 lbs a week then I should be able to lose the 80 pounds my doctor wants me to lose in less than a year. Ummm, yea right, if only it were that easy. But I already know it’s not that easy. So, here I sit planning mini goals, short term goals, long term goals, calorie counts etc. Next stop, checking into a weight watchers near me. I tried them before, they work if you follow the program. My problem I got so tired of counting points all the time. How many points is this, how many points have I ate today, how many points do I have left, and on and on. But then again, like I said, it works; and right now I need something that works!

Okay, that’s enough for one day; my mind is numb!