wishing2lose

Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since I have been on here. Sorry to all my buddies!

I am so exhausted with LPN school that unfortunately I haven’t been taking time to take care of myself. And it shows. We have had a test to study for almost every night, let alone homework, research projects and all the chapters we have to read each night. For once in my life my insomnia isn’t getting the best of me because I fall into bed exhausted! The funny thing is that on the first day of school they had the “seniors” come in and talk to us and tell us about their experiences; every one of them said they gained weight! I remember thinking at the time “not me I weigh to much already” (and I had just joined here). Well, guess what….I have gained almost ten pounds since then. I am so not happy right now.  But once school starts back up on Monday I will be a “senior” and things are supposed to get easier. Only one class a semester now with only one test a week to study for so hopefully I will find (make) the time to take care of myself and work on getting this weight off. I made a new goal to lose 40 pounds by graduation in July. That equals about 1.5 pounds a week. Does this sound realistic to you guys? Maybe I should have figured in for that inevitable plateau!

 Again, if you are on my buddy list, sorry I haven’t been much of a buddy these past few months. I am going to try and do better both for myself and all of you as well.

This isn’t really about weight loss so much other than the fact I am so frustrated I want to eat everything in site. I have seen other’s posts about job seeking being laid off etc. Well guys, I am one of you. I haven’t had work since moving to this area in December. There isn’t much going on here. Luckily it only took my husband about two months to find work (only….he was used to getting hired on the spot before coming here). This is why I decided to go to nursing school; it is the only job consistently advertised here in the papers, taking up several columns of want ads.

Anyhow, I have been diligently looking for work since being accepted to the program to help pay for gas to school (an hour away) and books, supplies, etc. Just this past three days alone I have put in 25 job applications, sent out resumes made follow up calls, etc. I have been diligent!!! Wouldn’t you know it the only place that calls me for an interview was the local Mc Donalds. I was offered a job for part time making $7.00 an hour. The bad part is I need a job so badly that I had to take it until/if ever something better comes along. Thankfully I don’t really like their food other than a cheeseburger once in a while. In fact I haven’t ate there in over a year. But still, not a good place to be for a frustrated dieter!

I understand there not being much work here for massage therapists due to the economy (people need to eat and put gas in their car more than they need a massage) but I was really hoping for something better. I should add that I am also trained in phlebotomy. All the interviews I went on for that said they need at least three years experience. Ummm, could someone please tell me how a person gets this experience if no-one will give them a chance to begin with.

Okay, rant over. I just needed to vent and stay out of the kitchen where my sister is making double chocolate chip cookies. Another place this frustrated dieter doesn’t need to be right now.

Here  I am again; standing on the edge of a weight loss journey ready to jump off. I am not new to this place; I’ve been here several times before. Yet, strangely, I feel fear. Why is it that the thought of having to lose 88 pounds causes my to be so afraid? Afraid that I can’t do it, afraid that it wont last, just plain afraid.

How did I get back here? I previously lost over 40 pounds on the divorce & depression diet.And was really happy with myself for the first time in a long time. I have since gained all 40 pounds back and then some. Now I am miserable and disgusted with myself. To top it all off my doctor wants me to lose at least 80 pounds. I was diagnosed with tachycardia, after several tests he told me my heart was in poor condition and I am only 41 years old. I can’t climb a flight of steps without being breathless. When my hubby and I went to Scotland I couldn’t walk uphill without feeling dizzy. It was awful.

Last night, for the first time in our five years together, my husband made a comment about my weight. He did so in a very supportive and concerned manner. Yet, it really, really bothered me. I realized that perhaps I am not the only one that is miserable with this excess weight. I went into the bathroom, closed the door, stripped off and took a good, hard look at myself. NOT HAPPY with what I saw. I then stepped on the scales and realized I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. Over 225 pounds; not good when you are only 5′2″ tall.

So today I find myself planning, goal making, doing all the math on how if I lose only 2 lbs a week then I should be able to lose the 80 pounds my doctor wants me to lose in less than a year. Ummm, yea right, if only it were that easy. But I already know it’s not that easy. So, here I sit planning mini goals, short term goals, long term goals, calorie counts etc. Next stop, checking into a weight watchers near me. I tried them before, they work if you follow the program. My problem I got so tired of counting points all the time. How many points is this, how many points have I ate today, how many points do I have left, and on and on. But then again, like I said, it works; and right now I need something that works!

Okay, that’s enough for one day; my mind is numb!